Resentment
Say you are in a relationship and you call your partner and ask when she is coming back home, and if she is going to be hungry by the time she returns back home. She replies yes so you go and get some take out just in time for her return. Only for her to come back home super tired and say that she is not hungry any more. You haven’t eaten because you were waiting for her to come and now that you are starving, you feel resentful for your partner to have made you wait for nothing. At least, she could have messaged you that she has changed his mind somewhere along the way so you didn’t have to starve yourself?
“Resentment” — The feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person,etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.
We feel resentful when we let negative emotions brew within us. These negative emotions may be associated with a lack of something positive like lack of love, trust, honesty, tenderness, gratefulness or respect. This lack can be caused by an action, an event or more often than not, a person. Let’s call this action, event or person the agent of resentment. This agent in the above example is your partner.
So, what do we do in order to not be resentful, or at least be less resentful?
1. Put yourself first. I get you are kind hearted, sweet and giving but sacrifice is not one of the 5 languages of love. If you classify most of your acts of love as sacrifice, perhaps, it’s time to think and see how you can convert them into healthy compromise. You would have felt better if you were not starving. And, even your partner will feel better if you ate on time and stayed healthy.
The devil is in the details though. There is a very tricky balance between putting yourself first vs. being there for your partner. The best reading I’ve found on that topic thus far is below, by Gibran:
Then Almitra spoke again and said, “And what of Marriage, master?”
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
Another tricky balance here is that of being vulnerable vs.
2. Communicate. Tell your partner how you really feel about their actions. I am not asking you to pick a fight, or make it bigger than it actually is. But the truth of the matter is that their actions have an impact on you, without them even realizing it, in some cases. Sharing with them how you feel will make them be more considerate and aware of the impact of their actions. This stops the flow of negative emotions brewing within you.
So, next time you feel resentful
P.S: They usually say, when you write, write for one specific person in mind. This time, this person was a future me.
